Do Something?

So I realize that it is has been AWHILE since I last blogged. The past three or so months have been a little bit of a whirl-wind, but I am devoted to keeping this thing up and running now.

I went back and re-read my other posts and found myself not necessarily agreeing with all of my "negative traits" anymore. But I am still going to continue on with the original plan of going over each of them in detail because 1. I am probably in some denial when I think that I am not those things anymore and 2. because I still find it to be something I need to acknowlege about myself no matter when I was feeling/acting those ways.

I find that being lazy and being unmotivated kind of come off to be the same thing. But not really. Yes, if you are unmotivated you are more than likely going to be more lazy. But we need motivation in tons of aspects of our lives. And for awhile I just had none of it. For anything. I wasn't active at all, I didn't want to clean up after myself ever, take care of myself as I should, get out of bed and go to work, go out and make more friends, take care of my pets as I should, pay my bills and save money, and yada yada yada.. the list could go on and on.

If I think back a few months, I am not really sure what has changed really that made me decide to go out and motivate myself more to do things. But I have. I have started playing volleyball again (twice a week to be exact), and that itself I have noticed has helped me loads in the past month or so. I can't wait until summer when I can spend four days a week playing that sport that I love so much :) Me and my boyfriend moved.. again. I say again because we have only been living on our own together for about a year and a half but have already moved three times :/ But our new apartment is my HAVEN. If I described it to you you would probably think "Wow, what is so special about a small one bedroom apartment in a small town above an animal feed mill?" But I absolutely LOVE it up there :) My boyfriend's mom and his cousin helped me clean the old apartment (which was a DISASTER zone) and then helped clean/spruce up the new place and unpack so that we could get off to a good start right away in our new place. We have lived there for about three weeks now and it is still neat and clean I am proud to say. Before I would have just let it get away from me right away probably and would have had another disaster zone on my hands within a couple of weeks. But now I find myself constantly making sure I put things away right away, do the dishes, DO MY LAUNDRY (lol which if you know me I used to just wash what I wanted to wear and leave the rest strewn about the apartment floor), clean my kitty litter boxes (which I was also pretty about doing before.. I am lucky I don't have two cats that piss all over the place), put away all of my makeup and hair stuff after I am done using them, and so on. I will say that I am very proud of myself now when it comes to keeping my living area neat and tidy. I guess I got sick of never wanting to have friends or people over because I was embarrassed of how dirty our apartment was. And I also just got sick of feeling SUFFOCATED every night when I got home from work and walked into the "ground zero" that was my apartment. It really is true that being in a clean environment just makes you more happy in general, and I definitely want to keep that up.

Going back to taking care of my pets better. I know that I do that much better now as well. I used to go through spurts where I would clean my litter boxes daily for liek a week or so and then I wouldn't for like a week (yeah I know that is horrible :( and I apologize to my kitties constantly for how bad of a mommy I was to them for awhile). But now, once again, since we've moved I have kept up with that as well. Which makes my cats happier too.. to have a clean "bathroom". I can already tell in how their personalities are changing again that they are much more happier in general now too because of how clean all of their surroundings are. And that makes my heart warm too, to know that they are happy. After all, they are my children :)



Paying my bills. Well, that I have gotten better about. Because I have surrendered control of that to my step dad, I just give him my money and he pays them for me. Otherwise I can't say that I would have really changed that pattern myself. And as for saving money.. no. I don't save any money. I know it is a horrible excuse and that there are people that would kill to have the little amount of left over money I do have to pay their bills, feed their kids, save for their futures, etc. But I usually use whatever money I have leftover after paying my bills/debts to go out and socialize on the weekends :/ I really do wish that I could just save that money and not go out and party and drink with my friends on the weekends but that is just where I am in my life right now. I am not going to make excuses and say that "well that is what EVERYONE my age is doing" or "there is nothing else to do on the weekends around here". I am going to be completely honest.. and just say that that is what I want to do right now. I want to go out and get out of my apartment on the weekends, I want to go to parties and bars with my friends and drink and have a good time, I want to eat out for every meal every weekend. That is just all stuff that I WANT to be doing. So I do it. It is pretty unresponsible and selfish, I do realize that. I should be saving more money so I can pay off more debts that I have and so that I can have some more security financially wise in my future, but I don't. And that is something that I am going to have to work on and get better at.. but when I want to. And NO that doesn't mean that I am going to go on in my life for the next forty years living as I do and then have nothing to show for it or be able to retire or anything like that. Twenty Two. That is my cut off for myself. I am giving myself until I am 22 years old to be selfish and self righteous about my money and what I want to do with it and my spare time. After that.. well then I am going to buckle down and start being more of a "grown up" :) about my finances and saving for my future. I am about two months away from my 21st birthday right now, so that leaves me a little over a year until the point of no return. Because I know that if I don't do it then, then I might not ever do it. And then I really would be stuck in the situations that I described above. Which I really do not want to happen. So, when it comes to being motivated, that is one aspect of my life I could be better at motivating myself to do. And I will.. in one year and two months :)

Work. Oh man work. Well that is an entire blog in itself right now. Not just about the struggles I have had in the past with jobs and liking them, keeping them, doing a good job at them, etc. But just about my current job at present. Boy.. well lets just say I don't know if I just have bad luck at jobs or if I am just THAT BAD at the ones I do get. But this one isn't going much better than any of the last. The only thing that does keep me from up and quitting this one just like the last.. oh I don't know.. four billion.. is that I take care of two little girls. Who sometimes are literally the snottiest and worse behaving kids on the planet I think, but I love them so much :) And don't want to just up and quit on them and make them find another new nanny and go through all of that again. So we will see what happens closer to summer.

The only other thing right now that I need to work on motivating myself to do is get back into my art and painting. Painting has ALWAYS helped calm and center me, and once I get back to doing that on a regular basis again I think that will do MOUNDS of good for my soul, spirit and happiness. Soon.. soon I will start again. I can feel it.

So, all in all I think that I have gotten much better at motivating myself to do things. I could definitely work on some aspects of my life and my motivation for certain things. But I can only do so much at once. And right now all of the changes I have made have made me so much more happier and more willing to sacrifice and motivate myself in other ways that I am just going to keep on going at the pace I am, and eventually I think I will have all of my "shit" figured out :) Eventually.