1. I have become very lazy
2. I am not motivated to do much at all anymore
3. I am stubborn and selfish
4. I lie more than ever now (to myself and others)
5. I am indecisive and lost in myself mostly
6. I am not happy
These are things that I know and have known about myself for awhile, but I try to hide and deny. It may seem that being I think these things about myself, or I KNOW these things about myself I should say, that I have very low self esteem. But I wouldn't say so. The list above only mentions the negative things I am feeling right now and doing right now that have put me in the situations I am in now. If I were to list all of the positive aspects of my life and myself I know it would outweigh this list by far.
I have changed a lot in the past few years from what I once was and from the actions I used to commit... some for the better and others for the worse. I have viewed myself in many different lights and had all sorts of opinions of myself. But I guess that the only way to get deep down to the root of the issues I am facing with myself right now I should go back as far as I can remember to my first self image and work forward from there.
That is why I have titled my blog 'Meghan... with an "h."' I don't remember exactly how I felt about myself when I was first starting school in kindergarten. I don't know if I thought I was fat (I hope I didn't though), I don't know if I was so stressed about my future and the decisions I needed to make that every time I bathed I lost a fist fold of hair to the drain and I don't think when I looked at myself in the mirror I had no idea who I was looking at anymore (on the inside as well as the outside.) But I do remember that ever since I learned how to spell my name, anytime I had to spell or tell anyone how to spell it that is what I said. Meghan... with an "h". I have always felt like I had to specify to people that my name was not just an ordinary name, it wasn't just a simple name that was in the top twenty baby girl names the year I was born. MY name was special. I do realize that there are millions of Meghans out there that also spell their name with an "h." And I also realize that there are Meghans out there that spell it even more uniquely (ex: Megyn, Meagan, Magen, etc.) But I know that now; now that I am twenty years old, I know that. When I was five though.. I knew only one other Megan (not millions) just one. And as you can see she spelt her name WITHOUT an "h." So, to me, I was the special one. My name was different and I was different. I was not just a plain Jane, boring, normal Megan. I saw myself as special, special enough that I made it known to anyone that asked "What is your name?" That I was 'Meghan... with an "h".' And to this day I still recite those same words. Maybe not anytime someone meets me and asks my name, my internal recording of that phrase has advanced with the technology of todays world. Meaning that when I give someone my cell phone number and they are entering it, is usually when I somehow make sure I sneak in that my name is not just "Megan", but Meghan... with and "h."
It may not seem like much or explain at all how me remembering this small detail of my childhood is going to help me figure out the very large detail of what I need to do with my life now. But to me it speaks volumes. It tells me that small glimmer of a light I still feel inside myself that I am "special" and unique just might actually still mean something. And if I could see myself that way at the young age of five... I am sure I can get back to that again today at the age of twenty.
Now anytime I come to my blog to write I can see those words and remember. Remember that little kindergarten girl who ran around head high and free spirited, thinking no one else in the room mattered but me (and certainly not that OTHER Megan) because I was special. And hopefully I can find that light again or at least a new flame to brighten up that light again now. By remembering.
That is all for now.
xoxo,
Meghan... with an "h"
No comments:
Post a Comment